Monday, January 12, 2015

GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN?

What would I do differently if I could go back and live my life again?

Not be a dancer?

Golly, dancer was my big dream ever since I was five-years-old. No, I'd be a dancer again, but I'd pay attention to my feeling about theater -- go further in drama -- use words, actors, as well as dancers -- become more abstract choreographically.

Have you ever viewed what you are right now, successes or failures -- and picture what you'd be if you could undo all those small decisions you made that got you doing what you've done, or haven't done -- things that succeeded, failed, disappointed, or defeated you?

Yes, all that -- viewing your life with ifs -- if I hadn't done this, if I'd done that -- is ... well, it's not good or bad, just discomfiting.

But dancing -- earning a living dancing, touring the country as well as Europe -- was a dream I made come true.

What about love, other possible life partners -- go back and consider the possibilities again?  (Instantly I think what would I wear? I gave my wardrobe away -- all those fantastic outfits created by me to catch the eye.) No, I'm not geared by my upbringing, my era, to socialize in the current scene.

Even if I could turn back the clock, could I unlearn what I know and feel? Would I want to not marry my first husband? Gee, we created a dance company! That company, in residence at the summer theater in Knoxville, was how I met John, who is part of me, I'm part of him -- I wouldn't change that.

Hey, does my wandering into my past get you contemplating a lot of things you'd do differently? The beginning of a new year gets us pulling into the starting gate, like horses -- like California Chrome -- we were sure he'd win the triple crown. I envision a large field  -- green grass and sand-colored earth -- that beautiful horse and a mare or two.

I'm certainly not at the starting gate. Thousands of things, endless pros and cons bring me to this page with the older, wiser me telling my younger selves to shut up, stop this unproductive thinking process.

All that I've done, learned, yearned for, tried, avoided, regretted, loved, hated, mourned, and sought -- is me moving ahead, sticking to what I am, because that's me.

I have things to write and things to say and do that have to do with now, and not knowing what the next minute, hour, day, week, month, year will bring, is -- well -- it keeps me going, eyes wide, ears listening, wondering what's next, and then next.

So okay! I've shared my first-of-the- year thoughts with you in order to help me help you to help me settle into the new year and  now I'm settled.
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