Sunday, October 4, 2009

FINGER IN THE WIND

New month. My testing finger is up. How's the weather? Where am I heading as we head into the chilly, then cooler, then cold-cold days?

Any interesting, exciting, adventures, plans, or trips? Is fear in the air. Regret?

I regret that I haven't bought a new plant to replace the one that finally had to be dumped. I regret that cold days are coming, because it's cold in our 4th floor living quarters -- and what to wear, what my winter "uniform" is going to be is pending.

Fear? As usual, most of my fears have to do with NOT being able to dance as well today, as I danced yesterday, or two months ago, or last year.

What a convenient, unsolvable fear that is --it's a smallish sticky square like a post-it note. It reminds me every day to work on stretches more and avoid the left knee by using the left gluteus, a muscle under my buttock.

Yes, it's a convenient focus, because it's so unimportant. Thinking about muscles diverts me from more real concerns -- wife /Mom/citizen of New York, America -- fears about things over which I have very little control.

Ah ha! That's the issue -- what I can do, what I can control, improve, fix? What can Em, the writer do?

Hey, hurray -- last October I was tied in knots, dealing with my agents trying to sell, not selling my books! Now, I don't have to sell anything -- just keep my bucket of ideas filled, turn on the faucet and capture any/all little thoughts that trickle out of my mind like ... like what in the world was a I dreaming early this morning, that made me want to stay in bed longer than usual?

Wasn't it something about the guy breaking down the door? (I wrote about the Robber, 9/27.) What a dream -- all I remember was moving stuff into the hall, turning it into an obstacle course in case the robber came back, and then a congested series of old issues ... can't say what they were, but I thought, why am I thinking of all this stuff --I've been here before -- why don't I get up?

Ah ha! That's the thought! I have been here before -- been on a writing schedule that eats up all my work time, enjoying the commitment, aware that the commitment is what's GREAT about writing.

(Dictionary says "commitment -- a state of being dedicated to a cause, a pledge, an undertaking -- an engagement or obligation that restricts freedom of action.)

Yes !

Yes, that's what I want -- I don't want to think about what to wear, or obligations, bookkeeping, renovations, or what to buy for the office, for my home, or for my guys.

Renovations are done -- bought just about all the new stuff we've needed to get -- both my guys are back to work! And I got my license, did my doctor checkups, no "obligations" are pending -- I'm unencumbered, free.

What else is in the wind? Afghanistan, Health Care, unemployment, housing market, stock market -- all those things are in the air, but our man in the White House is a brilliant, energetic, fighter-doer -- I can read and write about any of those things, worry, wonder, pray ...

Well, okay ... I'm ready for the interesting exciting trips I can take in my work . My finger is down, and I've got my post-it note on my gluteus.

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