Monday, December 3, 2012


I am not a sound sleeper. But Mom was there last night. She needed something. I tried to argue with her -- convince her it wasn't necessary.  We were scrapping --yes -- discussing pros and cons and her reasons for feeling the job had to be done. I think it was shopping for something. I stated my reasons for saying NO nicely, but insisted the matter be dropped. We were exchanging ideas but it was not a happy conversation -- we were scrapping.

Golly, it was nice.  It was great, seeing her, feeling her energy even though she and I disagreed.  I miss her. I am sad, when I realize she is gone and not much attention is being paid to that fact.

I have a light on the shelf -- the high shelf above where I sit in my favorite chair at my computer. I note that the bulb is out. Golly, old style bulbs don't last, especially if you keep them on 24/7. The fixture is the one that sat next to Mom's bed after my father died -- it was there for the last decade of her life.    
It's a "Yahrzeit" candle --it's a  Jewish tradition, to light a candle and keep it lit after someone dies.  My family never celebrated Jewish things or attended any church. My father came from a rabbinical family and rejected his Jewishness -- he said we were agnostics.  Mother's family was Jewish, but also, never celebrated any of the traditions.

Ah, but the year that my brother was drowned, and my father died -- that got Mom totally into all the traditions, including lighting two candles on the dining table every Friday night. (The Sabbath tradition -- "shabbat"  it is called.)

Mom didn't give me religion or faith or any belief in life after death -- the  beliefs that are important, and sustain so many friends -- beliefs you pass on to your offspring, which I couldn't didn't do -- I wish I had.

But Mom  gave me a renew-itself  body -- an ability to heal very very quickly, cuts as well as broken bones, and broken spirit too.  She gave me resilience.  I spring back. I persevere. Though I get down and discouraged, Mom somehow taught me -- gave me a precious power --. a keep-going, reinvent, I'll do better next time spirit.

So why did she visit me last night?  Because Mom is me. The woman who visited me was an  aspect of myself. that continues to amaze me.  Depressed, not sure what to do or where to go, I was visited, and told I have to go shopping.  I was scrapping with me, sitting in my flowerpot, not wanting to take on anything new, grow or change or do anything that might make me uncomfortable. 

Mom was annoyed.  Mom told me, "You have plenty of time." 

I didn't want to listen, I covered my ears, turned away, got busy and pretended I was too busy to bother with what she was suggesting.

Mom said, "You can do anything -- that thing, that idea that's in the back part of your mind -- take it out, look at it, get to work."

That's what we were scrapping about. What's is this idea?  Oh, just something I sort of, maybe, possibly, might start working on -- shh -- verbalizing it now might jinx it.       . . 

I found a new bulb.

Her light, my light is lit.

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