I am not a sound sleeper. But Mom was there last night. She needed something. I tried to argue with her -- convince her it wasn't necessary. We were scrapping --yes -- discussing pros and cons and her reasons for feeling the job had to be done. I think it was shopping for something. I stated my reasons for saying NO nicely, but insisted the matter be dropped. We were exchanging ideas but it was not a happy conversation -- we were scrapping.
Golly, it was nice.
It was great, seeing her, feeling her energy even though she and I
disagreed. I miss her. I am sad, when I realize she is gone and not
much attention is being paid to that fact.
I have a
light on the shelf -- the high shelf above where I sit in my favorite
chair at my computer. I note that the bulb is out. Golly, old style
bulbs don't last, especially if you keep them on 24/7. The fixture is
the one that sat next to Mom's bed after my father died -- it was there
for the last decade of her life.
It's a "Yahrzeit"
candle --it's a Jewish tradition, to light a candle and keep it lit
after someone dies. My family never celebrated Jewish things or
attended any church. My father came from a rabbinical family and
rejected his Jewishness -- he said we were agnostics. Mother's family
was Jewish, but also, never celebrated any of the traditions.
but the year that my brother was drowned, and my father died -- that
got Mom totally into all the traditions, including lighting two candles
on the dining table every Friday night. (The Sabbath tradition -- "shabbat" it is called.)
didn't give me religion or faith or any belief in life after death --
the beliefs that are important, and sustain so many friends -- beliefs
you pass on to your offspring, which I couldn't didn't do -- I wish I
But Mom gave me a renew-itself body --
an ability to heal very very quickly, cuts as well as broken bones, and
broken spirit too. She gave me resilience. I spring back. I persevere.
Though I get down and discouraged, Mom somehow taught me -- gave me a
precious power --. a keep-going, reinvent, I'll do better next time spirit.
why did she visit me last night? Because Mom is me. The woman who
visited me was an aspect of myself. that continues to amaze me.
Depressed, not sure what to do or where to go, I was visited, and told I
have to go shopping. I was scrapping with me, sitting in my flowerpot,
not wanting to take on anything new, grow or change or do anything that
might make me uncomfortable.
Mom was annoyed. Mom told me, "You have plenty of time."
didn't want to listen, I covered my ears, turned away, got busy and
pretended I was too busy to bother with what she was suggesting.
said, "You can do anything -- that thing, that idea that's in the back
part of your mind -- take it out, look at it, get to work."
what we were scrapping about. What's is this idea? Oh, just something I
sort of, maybe, possibly, might start working on -- shh -- verbalizing
it now might jinx it. . .
Her light, my light is lit.