Sunday, June 7, 2009

DOODLER COMPLAINT

If I hear GUARANTEED I grit my teeth!

GUARANTEED BROOM
... Use every day forever? It'll never wear out?

GUARANTEED 9 YEAR LIGHT BULB ... Didn't one burn out last week?


Yeah yeah
... ASTHMA, ALLERGY PILLS.
Yeah yeah ... ACHES & PAINS BALONEY
Hot compresses, 8 hours GUARANTEED ... Hot for 20 minutes, smell lasted 6 hrs.

Cars cars cars ! GUARANTEED! Lose your job and we'll make your payments for you, GUARANTEED! ... For 3 months, 6 months? for a whole year?

Clothes hangers, phone jack, pet food, odor free litter box, roomba vacuum, storage bags, Swiffer mop, scratch fixer kit, duster plus 3 extensions. ... Plus shipping and handling but what does shipping/handling cost?

Buy it, use it, if it's no good, if it's not what you wanted -- just send it back. With proof of purchase, original cashier tape (not a copy), include model, serial numbers, bar code. ... By the time you find it, the warranty's probably expired.

Yogurt with the impressive unique ingredient (that's hard to pronounce, isn't in any medical book or dictionary, that's probably just an advertising agency invention), yummy cup of yogurt that guarantees to put your system into working order -- or return it, get a full refund, no questions asked! ... What if the cup is half empty? What if the contents are now odotiforous, decaying?)

CLINICAL TRIALS ...Where ? What clinic? How many were in it -- a dozen, two dozen of the manufacturer's relatives?

Does your lawn look like the lawn in the picture? That sure-fire way of getting rid of pests -- all those millions of homes agree that rodents and roaches are gone? How can you guarantee a tomato plant?

Life Insurance,
Broker Investments,
Mortgage Loan,
Funeral Cost Protection ...

DIETS, DIETS, diets, diets, diets, diets, diets ...

Hair extensions, stronger glossier hair, panty-line concealing panties, slenderizing pink body shaper, get a black one too, if you pay shipping and handling.

Gee, that exercise wriggle-sideways machine looks like fun! Ten pounds in 2 weeks or your money back, and they pay the shipping?

How do you prove you didn't lose weight?

Returning it, packing it, lugging it to the post office costs you time, energy (probably money), and peace of mind ... How can you trust the person on the phone, the shipper, distributer, manufacturer who made such an unfulfillable, impossible money-back warranty, clinical trials guarantee?

... Tomato plant, wow ...
Gee, call in the next 15 minutes and get two, just shipping & handling -- how much can they charge? Hey, order two and get four, order six and you have enough for everyone in the family ... plus shipping and handling ... mmm, I love fresh tomatoes ...

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