Friday, June 12, 2009


Jealous of .....
People who have fabulous clothes, cars, homes, servants, acres and acres of land ...?
Winners of the Jackpot?
Tiger Woods, Federer ?
Angelina? Mylie? Madonna?

Anyone more successful than you?
More beautiful? More talented than you?

I was jealous of dancers who had better insteps -- feet like this! ---------------------->
Stretched my poor feet, wept, hurt them stretching, kept stretching, weeping, stretching.

Jealous, envious, I was, of choreographers who got Guggenheims and Ford Foundation grants -- recognition, financial support for their projects.

Some people win because their jealousies fire them up. Alas, I know quite a few others who've been destroyed by it, quit, and still haven't really recovered.

JC? Envy rolls off him like rainwater. I can't remember any time, any words he ever spoke that meant he was jealous.

He envies guys who've done movies. He hurt his left eye at age 28. Lay in the hospital for 3 weeks. couldn't move -- the injured retina might detach. (It did detach.) He didn't complain, or say that he rued that day he'd played tennis after a night of drinking and a tennis ball hit his eye. Is it inbred -- his "I am what I am" confidence? He doesn't berate himself for failing to get a part, though it upsets him if he is the reason that a friend, or a co-worker isn't hired. (I've even heard him say, when he's been hired, "I wish so-and-so got the part, he needs it more than I do.")

He's never, never expressed what I would have expressed about that tennis accident -- "Why did this have to happen to me?"

Em -- jealous in a second -- handles her professional jealousy by avoiding it, not watching award ceremonies. If someone's work touches me, I write them, or tell them, their agent, manager, or one of their friends. Use my brain, energy, inventive abilities to NOT deal with the green dragon. It's a killer, a stifler of all that I've mentioned -- brain, energy inventive abilities.

Our son inherited the green dragon. What do I say, what can I do? All I can do is talk and write about it. He's smack dab in the middle of the actor's life, where contending with the jealousy is a daily battle. No weapons help except weapons of the mind.

And even then, a jealous fever can get you ...

Natalie Wood across the room at Sardi's, looking up at me when the agent introduced us ... Janine Turner in Seattle, when JC was in Northern Exposure (the TV series), when she came over to meet me.

Their fresh, creamy, perfect flawless beauty ... Reality was breathtaking, more than pictures of them, somehow more than other beauties I've met.

I froze. Stared like a dummy, a dodo. Couldn't talk, or think of what to say politely, and even now, can't explain it away with a bitchy, or haha remark.

Hey, that's why I'm promoting my avoidance philosophy, and saying tiptoe around it, don't breath in the air -- BEWARE of the GREEN MONSTER.

1 comment:

Carola said...

I was watching a rerun of Northern Exposure the other day and I couldn't believe Janine Turner's complexion. It looks as if they airbrushed the video.