Friday, December 9, 2011

FROM MY WINDOW


Good days, bad days -- days when things seem bright colored and hopeful, other days when things are fading, and people that mean something to you are leaving the earth, and things you count on have disappeared..

You would think that by now, having experienced the ups and downs, seen how things change, I would be able to nod and say, "This is normal. This is life. C'mon, Em, you know that every day you live is one day gone from your life."

Why can't I banish the fact that things you love have to die?

Favorite things wear out. Green leaves turn brown, crinkle, fall from the tree to be blown by the wind, or swept into a pile that's burned or buried. The blue gold pretty petal of fire on candle melts the wax, burns out and it's gone. A day begins as the sun rises and ends as the sun goes down.

A dear friend died. I knew she was ill but didn't know she was, dying. Her well-known husband died a few months ago. A few days ago, when her secretary phoned to tell me she'd left the earth, I thought the phone call was about the luncheon tribute for her husband. Now the tribute will be for both of them.

Is that why from my window the world seems to be withering and crumpling -- wars, politics, poverty, corruption -- a sense of gray, and no solutions pervade my thoughts?

Even so, I do find solutions -- my work's going well, our home is clean, comfortable, and running well.

Ho ho -- looking out my window is telling me to look inside my house -- see the colors, enjoy the small doings --what's light, bright, and clean in my office, in all my rooms. Be the woman in Picasso's picture.

My home sweet home reminds me that growing old is something NOT to dwell on. Yes, you have to glance at realty, and see what you see, but you have to move on.

My friend is no longer alive and what I see out my window is gray and dark. But if I turn around, what's outside my window is behind me -- oh yes, I can feel my grief and miss my friend, but inside is the world I made, that I can see and be in.

Ho ho! Now is the time to enjoy NOW.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Emily: Sorry for the loss of your friend. Death is inevitable to all of us, but is still hard to swallow. Her spirit and good memories stay with us forever. I look out my window and see a cold world moving ever so fast. I look inside my house and it is warm, cozy, my dog and cat are with me. my computer, a phone, my meds, a radio and TV...everything I need or want is here. Life is good! kam

Carola said...

I remember as a very small child (and ever since) I got sad on the longest day of the year, because the days would start getting shorter.

Linda Phillips said...

Very moving and profound piece Em! I feel it. I understand it. I have been there, way too many times in fact, in the last 2 or 3 years especially and I know that there will be many more times like this in the future.

We have no control over death. It happens and it's so heartbreaking when we loose a beloved friend or relative...some go way too early in life and some at a more appropriate time...but never the less...it always hurts so much.

The worst is when it happens around this time of the year I think....and I get that in your sarcastic..ho ho ho..Its not really very ho ho ho right now is it?

But, life goes on and we have to appreciate all of the small things that give us joy and make us want to go on living our own lives.

Can I express my sadness for your loss? I sincerely feel it in your heartfelt blog today.

Many many years of wonderful life is my wish for you and those that you love.

Linda

Maureen Jacobs said...

Moving, touching, and so near to my heart.

grammakaye said...

EM, I call this the 'rush of bittersweet'. I implicitly understand & feel each word you wrote. I admire each person who commented so lovingly, softly & tenderly.
* * *
I hear my own Mama's voice telling me "the hardest part of getting old is losing your friends to death" ~ bless her soul. She outlived all her original friends. She adapted to make new friends along her way.

We miss the physical presence of our friends & loved ones who have gone before us. We 'embrace' they were 'gifts' to our lives ~ and the love they gave to us is still tangible & present within us.
* * *
For you my friend, dear EM ~ you have the richness of a great mind, the talent of meaningful giving words, the genius & wisdom to perfect it all into action, & the gumption to meet goals along your current book publishing journey.
* * *
While we sincerely feel the impact of any beloved's loss, appreciate what they brought to our lives ~ it is also very natural & very human to realize that we know not our own day & time, only that at some point, it shall come.

We all need to 'stay the course' ~ LIVE each day & continue on with the positive things that help us along. (In your case dear EM, keep on keeping on with your current book project. ~ I know you will!)

How precious you are with this blog post to share with us that rich inner dialogue...a dialogue that reflects an evolved human being with an equally rich 'inner life'.

Sending a whole lotta love to both you & John & sincere soulful condolences for the loss of your friend.

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