DISNEY'S COOKIE-CUTTER MACHINE

Bye-bye Mickey Mouse, Donald, Goofy.
Bye-bye Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Pocahontas!
Who needs Aladdin, Tarzan, Peter Pan, or Prince Charming?

Disney is auditioning kids, picking them while they're young, ripe but educatable. Locking in the lucky, right-looking few – signing them up to a contract that offers EVERYTHING.

It's a contract that's breakable, but who would want to break it? Disney's providing more than what Fox, Paramount, MGM, Warner Bros. offered to Judy Garland, Shirley Temple, Lana, Rita, Mickey Rooney -- even the young Tom C.

"We've gotten smart about how to build talent," says Gary Marsh, President of Disney Entertainment, in a recent interview in Time Magazine.

March referred to Britney and Hillary Duff, who walked out on Disney. He mentioned the opportunities Disney now creates for its teen talent (about 12 each year) -- guest spots on other shows, their own show (a"zit" com), on Disney Cable channel, their voice on Disney Sound tracks, recordings on Disney owned Hollywood records, Radio Disney, concert tours booked by Buena Vista Concerts, a huge merchandising bonanza at Disney Stores.

The youngsters don't have time for schooling. Reading, writing, "rithmatic"-- all the basics are taken care of by tutoring. "Talent" is a number-one seminar, that newbies (the new batch of potential stars ) take with parents or guardians.

Newbies are trained -- how to look, dress, and talk, how to act, sing, and dance, how to pose for photo-shoots, handle fans, interviews and all media relationships, as well as personal security (for instance, no mailbox at your home -- no outlandish best friends -- absolutely NO pals with "camera" phones).

So doting parents, grandparents, guardians, be alerted -- if your darling dances and sings, jokes, cavorts amusingly or sexily, enacts characters he/she has seen in some shows -- get to work. Study the yellow pages! Look for an agent! Sign the kid up for one of Disney's casting calls.

And get your kid to study "Waverly Place" -- Zac's practically over the hill and no doubt about it -- Mylie is getting old. .

Here's a spoof by Ohion.com, the parody newspaper tabloid, that shows you what lies ahead, if your darling becomes your jackpot.