KRISTIE ALLEY

I loved her in the TV show "Cheers," loved her in "Look Who's Talkimg, "the movie she did with John Travolta, and "Veronica's Closet," the television show she did about high fashion.

(I remember wild, wonderful outfits she wore, her marvelous, different colored hairdos, remembering the ease with which she went from comedy to believable real tears.)

Kristie Alley has a "Helen of Troy" something about her -- she's a face and a spirit that's launched a thousand ships/projects/fans. And never really fails -- when she was the spokeswoman for Jennie Craig and got replaced, I figured "too bad for Jennie -- Kristie's on to other things.

But ...

I avoid her Scientology connection. We had a seriously ailing actress friend who was being "cleared" by a Scientologist, and she kept giving the Church most of her earnings instead of consulting an MD. Also, other friends, claiming ecstatically that they've found themselves through Scientology, pressed us, "You ought to come to a meeting!"

What we've heard and read about L. Ron Hubbard inspired us to keep away.

So Kristie's relationship to her religion I brush aside, as I do with some of her outrageous actions that have been publicized, about her marriages, divorces, and emotional ups and downs.

I'm a fan. She's fascinating, and unpredictable. Whenever I hear her name, I want to know what's the latest news -- what's she's doing now?

Hurray, I thought as I tuned in the "Larry King" show, and there she was, chatting about her new television show, "Big Life," and "Organic Liaison," her weight loss program.

I cringed a little. "Organic" is attached to many foods that aren't particularly healthy, though it implies that everything about the food is pure and good for you. And "liaison" suggests a close relationship, connection, rapport.

Off to YouTube.com I went, to see Episode One, of "Big Life."

There she was -- very large, voluptuous, in a lavender satin gown with her bosom overflowing the gown's lavender bra-cups -- blond Kristie Alley, in her down-to-earth, way that makes you feel she's a personal friend -- explaining that "Organic Liaison" was a sure-fire way of gaining good health, and achieving weight loss.

I couldn't nod.

Was it the script? She delivered it perfectly, but the speech, the promo was glossy excessive, like a dozen other products that are sold after midnight, when air time is cheaper. And the table with her products -- lavender, pink and blue be-ribboned bottles and flagons -- "drink me" potions that she said would help you curb your appetite, lose weight, sleep and feel better about everything." .
.. it was right out of Alice in Wonderland ...

Episode One of "Big Life:" Kristie, blubbery fat, in a homebody's smock, was caring for her pets, rambling on about her diet/weight travails. It was in three parts. I turned it off after part one. It was boring...

I watched some of Episode Two. It was boring.

Well ... I'm a fan and a fan is a fan. Kristie-Helen of Troy-Alley will more than likely surprise us with who-knows-what -- she's magical, inventive, creative, and not done with trying a new something on top and over the top that'll grab us, get us laughing and crying and applauding.