INVENTING A NEW ARNOLD SWARTZENEGGER

My favorite "Arnold" was in the movie, "Twins," where diminutive Danny DeVito and bulky, big Arnold were searching for their mom. The Terminator guy didn't thrill me, but I loved Arnold -- the look of him and his sense of humor -- in that movie.

The former Governor of California, trailed by paparazzi, was in London for Gorbachev's 80th birthday celebration at Albert Hall, a super gala hosted by Sharon Stone and Kevin Spacey. The party was crammed with distinguished people, but I'll bet Arnold was the star attraction.

Chatting about his future, with Newsweek reporter, Andrew Testa, as if they were dear old friends, Arnold explained he was having fun flying around Europe, seeing the sights, and job hunting, figuring the "Hunters," (big time major CEO's), would find him.

And they do, Testa reported, describing how their interview was being interrupted -- everyone seemed to want Arnold's autograph for their kids and grand children.

Arnold said, "AT 63, I can do anything. I feel terrific about where I am in my life, when I look back at what I’ve accomplished. But I feel shitty when I look at myself in the mirror.”

(Yep -- the five-time Mr. Universe, seven-time Mr. Olympia. the winner of the annual International Bodybuilding competition; Conan the Barbarian, and the Terminator, was musing about aging the way many of us are doing nowadays, though in my opinion he looks great. And I love the pictures of him and Maria Shiver, his wife of 25 years. mother of their four kids -- though I miss her as a television commentator -- they are a great looking couple.

The suntanned, strapping Arnold, who's very frank about his body, told the Newsweek reporter that he's 6'1 now, no longer 6'2, and his 31' waist and 57' chest are currently an average guy's 36' waist, 40' chest. He also admitted that his reddish-brown hair was maintained by a Beverly Hills salon, and complained about his crow's feet, and the fatty folds around his strong jaw.

So, what's next -- an autobiography? More movies -- I can't see him playing dads, uncles, or granddads.-- not after his journey from Austrian bodybuilder, action hero to Governor of California -- this guy's been in the news politically, full-time for seven years.

Arnold himself has said he will be working with the United Nations and his global climate projects, supporting the Special Olympics, and his annual bodybuilding and sports convention in Ohio, while continuing to work on Immigration reform.

Meanwhile, he's heading to Cannes to receive the Légion D’honneur, and hype his new TV show at a TV buyers’ convention -- it's an animated kids’ series titled the "Governator," that will debut along with a comic book, video-game, toys, t-shirts, and toothbrushes bearing his cartoon likeness. And of course he'll be meeting producers who may have other interesting jobs, but I think Arnold Swartzenegger wants more -- much, much more -- than another movie/money-making gig.

Just the other day The Daily Mirror, UK, reported (quoting one of Arnold's personal associates), "Swartzenegger may be running for the Presidency of the European Union, after the current president of the 27-nation bloc steps down."

We've heard, more than a few times, that if it were constitutionally possible, Arnold would have run for president, and President of the EU would be an appropriate challenge, but I can't help thinking how marvelous it would be, if the vitality of this Republican hero-guy was put to work by the Democrats.

In an MSNBC interview the day after he became an ex-governor, (see below), Arnold said, "If the Obama administration tapped me, I am available for environmental things -- or if they can use my talent, my personality, my star power. I will be happy to help in any way possible."

Hooray! I second the motion! Immigration -- maybe Obama power plus Swatzenegger power can overhaul the mess, the confusion in our current immigration laws.

PAIN PANTIES

"Pain Numbing Panties" are sold in this vending machine.

Huh? My mind races. Why? What for?

For pre-menstrual pains? Down there? But cramps don't happen down there do they? Pain from peeing? For Pre-Sex -- for Post-Sex discomfort?

Who would need it? Honeymooners?

Is there something new going on that I never heard about or experienced? In a flash I'm remembering when my sisters told twelve-year-old me about "the curse" -- how stunned I was -- did this sort of thing happen to ALL FEMALES? Why didn't somebody warn me? Were there other awful, unendurable, shocking, .revelations ahead for me when I reached 16, or the old age of 21?

Last week, reading about "Pain Panties," it didn't occur to me that it was related to grown up females and bikini waxing. Okay, I've seen "Sex In The City." Yes, I've read about women getting shaved regularly down there for various purposes -- I read graphic details about it in Rona Jaffe's best seller novels. I wore "French-cut" trunks, leotards with the leg openings cut up very, very high -- they made your legs look longer. French-cut panties are sold in the panty department, along with bikini strings and thongs.

Well, GOOGLE educated me.

Anesthesiologist Dr. Edna Ma has developed an underwear and numbing cream set for women who know how brutal bikini waxing can be. The kit keeps the area down there numb for 30 minutes to an hour and costs $25.

Bare Ease uses a 4% Lidocaine cream. (It’s used in hospitals for numbing skin before inserting IV’s, in dermatologists' offices, before laser procedures, and in tattoo parlors.) You smear the contents of the single-use tube of cream over the area 30 minutes prior to your treatment, don the pink disposable undies -- the anesthetic effect lasts 30 minutes to one hour.

Hmm. It's sort of like a new fact of life that may live in my mind for maybe 22-and-a-half minutes that's already anesthetizing away as I pass on this semi-silly-shock to you females or males who might find it useful.

DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER?

This picture is a collection of facts, by Lauren Streib, from "Scientific Research" published on the Data Beast page, of "NewsBeast."

Though some say the magazine is going downhill, it's giving me uphill information -- it's chock full of specifics. Right off the bat, it tells us that being female is a big advantage. Therefore, if you're a male, gather the factors -- you can live longer if you adapt, convert to some of these womanly ways.

"YOU ARE FEMALE" -- Okay, I am.

"SEVENTH-DAY-ADVENTIST" -- My Jewish background negates longevity a little, but I'm mostly irreligious -- maybe that's helpful?

"YOUR MOTHER WAS 26 OR YOUNGER WHEN YOU WERE BORN" -- Mom lied about her age, I'm not sure how old she was.

"YOU LIVE IN AN AREA WITH LITTLE POLLUTION." -- Hooray, there are no smoke stack industries in the Chelsea section of Manhattan where I live.

"YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH DAILY" -- Yes -- twice a day -- maybe that give me extra longevity points.

"YOU STARTED FORMAL SCHOOLING AT AGE 6" -- Yes (at 5), does that gives me extra points?.

"YOU LIVE IN A RIGHT WING DICTATORSHIP" -- Right now, the Republicans are definitely a right wing dictatorship. That's sort of hopeful news about the bad politics going on these days.

"YOU ARE COMMITTED TO YOUR WORK." -- Definitely yes! I'm sure I get double points on that!

"YOU DRINK AT LEAST TWO CUPS OF TEA A DAY," (Coffee, so probably I'm getting the requisite caffeine.)

"YOU EAT 25% TO 30% FEWER CALORIES THAN THE RECOMMENDED DAILY ALLOWANCE." -- Yep! That's me!

"YOU DON'T DRINK SODA OR EAT PROCESSED FOODS THAT CONTAIN PHOSPHATE." -- That's more or less me.

"YOU ARE A FAN OF EXERCISE BUT DON'T OVER EXERCISE." -- Yes! .

"YOU EAT A MEDITERRANEAN DIET." -- um -- (Googled it) -- yep, I'm eating a Mediterranean diet.

"YOU HAVE YOUR OVARIES" -- Yep.

"YOU ARE AN OPTIMIST." -- Most of the time.

"YOU HAVE THE LONGEVITY GENETIC MARKERS THAT MAY COUNTER GENES FOR ALZHEIMER'S, CANCER, AND OTHER AGE RELATED DISEASES." -- Mom lived till her mid-nineties so probably my genes are okay.

Hey, it's good news! Give it a try -- you might be climbing uphill as you answer these questions.

NOWHERE IN A VAST SPACE

I've been reading about a guy in what can be a scarily empty vast field -- Chinese artist, Ai Weiwei -- the big praise in a London Gallery for his "100 Million Porcelain Seeds." And Ai Weiwei's disappeared, maybe in a detention center somewhere, because he publicly denounced the 2008 Beijing Olympics as propaganda.

Ai Weiwei's art -- bronze replicas, animal heads -- will be on display outside Central Park nest month. He's got 78,000 followers on Twitter. He says that he asks questions through objects he creates. Communist China's officials do not like questions.

Weiwei's disappearance has focused international attention on the current bout of repression in China.

That photo is of a guy arranging leaflets for a one of Ai Weiwei's canceled exhibits. My blog's supporting or putting down this and that -- bashing Beck, Trump, and silly shoe styles, worrying about Muslims, please-and-thank you civilities, Oprah , fracking, etc. -- sometimes I feel like the guy in that empty field arranging leaflets for an exhibit that people can't-won't-don't attend.

But Aii Weiwei's famous for coming back, each time he's been criticized -- his criticisms of Communist China can be heard louder now that he can't be heard at all.

Maybe my ideas won't be noticed or make any difference, or change what people say or do, but the subjects I've written about are in the air, and that breeds thoughts -- breeds words that impel some kind of action -- so nowhere is ... well, it's more or less somewhere, isn't it?