TALKING TRUTHFULLY about what nags you, worries you you need to express bluntly your real thoughts===taint easy to do...you got to practice expressing what you really feel....yes that is what I try to do every day when I am writing or sort of  personal blog/  truth....some days it turns out sad and dreary---those are the peroanlblogs  i write and they can be depressing, dreary and not really truthful.  look at a ckcok..see there time,  can you try to tell the true truth for a hour?  or do you  lapse in making the truth more feasible,,,,if you say Yes YES  Y E S  hurray for you,,,,,i think you think you are being utterly truthful even when you are shading whats true,,,,,,,

PICK " MERRILY WE ROLL ALONG ---KEEP  VERY SIMPLE..... EASY TO SAY ....

 each place I lived in during my years in Harrisburg has significantly affected why Harrisburg Pennsylvania IS NOT WHERE I CHOOSE TO LIVE. 

 IT HAS TO DO WITH LIMITED STRAIGHT-LACED pERSONALITY THAT IS TYPICAL FOR  PEOPLE WHO GREW UP WORKING IN AN AREA WHERE PEOPLE WORKED, AND WERE MOSTLY EMPLOYED BY THE LOCAL GOVERMENT, YES, LOCAL "ART" WAS PROFOUNDLY INLUENCED BY LOCAL EMPLOYERS  WELL AS WELL AS ARTISIC INSTITUTIONS.

 north fifth street.. in harrisburg pennsylvania  the SHABBY RATHER DINKY OLD HOUSE A SMALL OECE OF LAND with NO GRASS TO MOW had one TREE THAT SHED LEaVES that  I raked  on SATURdAYS when DADDY DRwhere he drove me once a week TO HIS dress FActory  on the SIde  of town. schoool mates a once a sweek dmired some of the sample dresses dad gave me usually a sample dress t--will lways remember  the blue AND WHITE BLUE AND WHiTE DRESS  THAT I ASKED  school mate Martha - "do I look like a danceR?   MARTHA SAid NO  BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A DRESs  SINCE IT WAS NOT A DRESS my SCHOOLS BEST DANCER WHO DID  "toe tape dancing" like GOLDIE SHAwl. T i took dance lessons i OOK LESSONS THE LINNEKIN SCHOOL. MYTEACHER  WAS GUNDREN.GALLOWAY.  SHE GAVE ME  cHIFFON SCARF  to WAVE AS A I DANCED, AND PRAISED  THE WAY i DID A  'tour jete.  

I was not good at math and best friend MArTHA COLON  and FLUNKED ANd DIED  whEN DAD GAVE ME A mexican sstyle that Martha said was "CUTE "when we moved to 1822 my sister miriam had an attic room where I LEARNED  TO DRAW, and lived  in a room  wHERE I COULD PRACTICE AND STRETCH MY FEET which were never great feet for dancing. 

NEW PROJECT FOR JD

 Someplace  there's an big deal percolating that could/would/ should re vamp  our son 's quiet, innermost thinking,

Write a book about the Kid who knew he had a birth defect that made him very different from kids he palled around with in school..

How and when did he find out what was wrong with him? Was it looking in a mirror and seeing the scars on his abdomen he got from surgery?  Did he realize his anus was created  by surgery?  Did he read medical stuff--did Dr. Anthony Shaw  tell him.  (Shaw saved his life when he was born. Jd could't breathe.) How did our son find out what was wrong? 

When did JD punch his bedroom window--literally put his fist through the glass? 

The pschiatrists that were consulted --advice he was given-- only further infuriated JD.  Other doctors wanted a fully detailed story of his background and my prenancy. 

 What was the best advice?  Does it linger  in his mind? Did he confide in anyone? Anwers to many questions  have never been discussed but the extremely articulate man has been profoundly affected  by being born with this major birth defect.  yes, oh my yes, HE PUNCHED THE WINDOW.

WHAT WOULD  HE ADVISE SOMEONE WHO GREW UP THE WAY HE DID 

MOM SAYS, " JD JUST WRITE A BOOK ABOUT THIS, SEND A SAMPLE CHAPTER 1."

RE GROW YOUR HAIR?????

do you shave your head> 

jd  would be very sexy with long hair. 

try bulky huge big bunch ala angry black dangerous guy.  

WHAT ABOUT LONGISH HAIR LAYING ON YOUR SHOULDERS? 

use jeweled combs, bobbies. 

WHAT IFS.....

Dreams, ideas, recollections, wonderings are typical 

"WHAT IFs"

Imagination is a part of my life,  work,  creativity. 

 WHAT IFS--imaginary possibilities--that's what I need to dig into. 

Gotta let my mind meander around and find "hopes" that are here and there--"hopes" that found enough space here and there to lay around and find a spot where a small H like a seed,  gets comfortable  and grows like a seed, igoring its own sprouting tendril though  even though you may sense it's growing larger.  

Advice: 

Skip over "THINGS WITH FEATHERS" - and Emily Bronte's words and her recollections.  We need the word. I got bored with the topic having written about the topic more than twice. Just do it, and go into the whole discusssion all over again.  

Just do it.  

H    O    P     E

HOPE...A THING WITH FEATHERS

 hope.....

 Big HOPES for the future  are major   

I was hoping my first novel  would be a best seller.  It wasn't, but I was sigNed by  an important agent

THE AGENT SENT  OUT the summary or  'Splintered Heart" AND immediately received an offer from Bantam books. $2000 SEEMED LIKE A EXCELLENT FIGURE TO EARN...

My Bantam book didn't sell very well til we named it "SPLINTERED HEART"  and then it SOLD          QUITE WELL ON AMAZON). WHO EVEN ARRANGED AN AUTHOR'S PAGE.

Guys, I SENSE THAT NOW IS THE TIME FOR THE VACCINES TO END THE PANDEMIC. 

SHAREEN, JD, JOHN CULLUM & BERNADETTE --HOPEFUL AUTHOR EM PROCEEDED AND PUT UP THAT GREEN CLOTH  EXPRESSING FEARLESSLY, LOUDLY,  PRACTICALLY SHOUTING THE VACCINES WILL END THE PANDEMIC.   

  

WHY DON'T I FEEL LIKE WORKING?

 My mind is muddied from too much talking. 

....too many ideas. 

....got Frankee, got her husband Mark Ryder... 

....got plenty of events planned as they become busier & more successful , but so what....?   

Actually it's sort of boring to explain that Frankee's  husband begins to resent her because she choreographs and performs  as a dancer, better than he does.  It happens often with "TEAMS" in business together 

SO...why am  I writing this ? Work at a keyboard isn't exciting. The page that ends up existing is not thrilling. There's no suspense.  I am  not bored with the plot but there's NOT more to describe. -

Guys, it's a committment to write about myself. Not what I wear, or the lipstick, eye shadow, and glossy stuff that makes MY features gleam, I am determined to reveal what I am, who I am and who, why, and what  I do, or what aspects  of what I do or don't do,  is me -- THE REAL, REALLY  TRULY ME. Why?  

Because it might inspire you, the reader, to talk realistically , comment realistically, reveal realistically  why you visit the comments  of so many strangers  and spend a lot of time reading and pondering what they express.  

WHO IS THE REAL REALLY TRULY Y-O-U?

 

HUNGER AND MONEY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS

The first time I stayed in New York City and took a summer course in ballet, (two classes a day)  I stayed with Mrs. Graves. Mom figured I'd be happy and safe. Being the wealthy widow of one of my father's distinguished clients , MRS  GRAVES OWNED ANAPARTMENT IN WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK and talked a lot about Life and Death--their thirty-year-old daughter was in the hospital for leukemia and not doing well. I learned BIG words from her, and street talk from her maid who fed me.  

         Alas, I was always hungry. Mom send me $7 week for food.  At the automat I ate corn muffins and  and leftovers . There was a market nearby at New York University. I selected fruit, squeezed it and put it back. Later I'd return, find the bruised fruit, hide it in one of my pockets, and gobble it up later. 

        I did a lot of walking but my feet were growing --my shoes were too small. .

        I developed "'bitching corns" (the maid calls them that). 

        Actually living in the park, observing Greenwich Village inhabitants, I've become quite an expert in aggrandizing whatever I seriously crave.     hurray!!!

   

NATHAN OGELSBY BUYS FRANKEE TOP NOTCH EVERYTHING

 When we're dancing "Haunted Moments" we use a Bose amplifier. Our  tapes are recorded on Magnecorder, at 15 inches per second. It provides the most realistic powerful sound you can get.   

Mark dances the train , chugging into a station, utilizing deep MARTHA GRAHAM contractions. She says she loves the way Frankee dances to the cheering crowd sound--especially  the 'economical use' she makes by doing just one low extension of a leg into a one very slow 'rondejambe.'  

The famous Pilates  actually came backstage the other day, when she performed  'LAUGHTER' at a fund raising  benefit  for Juilliard. They have become 'names' in dance. The life-size photo of Frankee in pink ballets slippers is on the main wall at Capezio's at Lincoln  Center.  When she told Pilates how Carola Trier, popular teacher in Manhattan had over-crowded classes, Pilates  said in broken English, ''You need no teachings."

The Big BIG Deal is Jacques COSTEAU, French scientist, photographer, author and researcher who studied  all forms of life in water. After each  performance Costeau hugged and kissed the team, and Mark Spitz, Olympic Swimmer, got Frankee on the cover  of "Time" in a new costume Nathan hired a famous designer to create for her that 'Vogue' called "super chic."   

WHAT ARE AVERAGE NORMAL PEOPLE THINKING ABOUT

 ARE THEY THINKING ABOUT THANKSGIVING ?  It's always been one of our special holidays.  My husband John Cullum loves to tell what I cooked for the first Thanksgiving we celebrated as a couple. In a flash I'm remembering how I make a spicy turkey--massaging the thawed cleaned bird with olive oil and  headING  for the spice shelf above the stove.    

I DID A GOOGLE SEARCH AND BUMPED INTO WHAT MY HUSBAND WROTE ABOUT THE HOLIDAY BACK IN 1914

"The most memorable Thanksgiving dinner for me was the one a young redheaded dancer made for me in her Artist In Residence n studio in New York City. It wasn’t a turkey, just a large chicken, and it never occurred to me that this gorgeous girl could even cook, but boy, she could – all the trimmings, fresh cranberry sauce, stuffing, sweet potatoes, vegetables and all. I could hardly believe it. There she was, the best dancer I had ever seen, gracefully whirling around a tiny kitchen, whipping up a dinner as good as any I had ever eaten, and all for me. Never had a Thanksgiving meal been made exclusively for me and me alone, and with such love. It was an experience I couldn’t walk away from. And I never did. I guess Emily decided if I was going to keep hanging around, she might as well marry me. Which she did."

Fact of life:  Unless our son JD who lives in California flew home for the holiday spur of the moment, I am not cooking. I am very busy finishing the novel I've been writing all year online.  

Anyhow, aren't most people today are thinking about survival; earning a living, and what our New President will be suggesting about "Wearing a mask."  

Since I specified average normal, what is average, normal?   

Are you? Am I?

FUN DREAM

 I WAS ABOUT TO BE MARRIED, BEING TAKEN TOTHE CEREMONY BY OUR SON JOHN DAVID.   (ENVISION HIM as a GROWN UP VERSION  OT THE INTENSELY FOCUSED BOY IN THE PHOTO I POST SOMETIMES, WHO IS DRINKING MILK FROM A BOTTLE I AM HOLDING AS HIS CONTENTED  LOVING MOM..(MY HAIR IN A BRAID (THAT LOOKS LIKE A CROWN)

Yep, I was about to be married  to the good looking man  who was playing Mr. Chucky in the outdoor drama, (which I watched every night)  --he definitely to seemed to like the way I coached  him to have 'listening elbows' before doing cartwheels.  HE SENT ME AN E MAIL PROPOSAL SUGGESTING, "DON'T CALL ME mR.CHUCKY....CALL ME BY MY NAME...'jOHN' --  ACTUALLY  MY NAME IS "JOHN CULLUM." 

In the dream I was thrilled.  The fact is. the realme. Emily Frankel,  ex dancer who is writing a novel on line that is almost finished, about a dancer named "Frankee," (who wants to be the best dancer in the world ) is clearly dreaming (and still thrilled) about her marriage to John Cullum.

favorite tv PM commentators

 Nicolle wallace--so sympathic and tender even when she's not sympathetic. and Ari melber whom I especially enjoy observing  his beard, in the course of an annoucement, growing darker/ AND THE ARTICULATEL REID "REPORT" GALE WITH HER MARVELOUS HAIR DO  THAT KEEPS ME WONDERING IF HER HAIR IS REAL!!! EACH TIME ONE OF THESE THREE APPEARS I AM RIVETED. 

YOU ARE THE BOSS

 No one knows better than YOU what you want. Make a list"

 

1. fame/staus/

2. courage to do anything that crosses your mind

3. quit using a computer--it  limits freedom.

4. pin the head of a gorgeous, go-anywhere butterfly to the rectangle that's your door.

5. kill it? yes? no? black? or white?  Do iT! Yep/nope/real/ or fake!

THE REAL MR. CHUCKY

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After Mark re-introduced himself to the star, Frankee mentioned the ten extra dancers. “We worried about hiring them, Mr. Chucky Jack. They’re not first class performers--they're...well...somewhat inept  as ballet dancers, but choreographer Mark  Ryder,  my husband felt  a stage packed with performers would be exciting,  more  impressive --actually, since the character you’re playing  is a well-known Tennessee hero. 

He nodded. Yes, a famous hero...” 

“Yes.   Most people who buy tickets have heard the name or read about “Chucky Jack” in the newspapers. Knoxville and Nashville are running ads and the extra dancers...

“Somewhat ’inept‘ like you said"...

“So, maybe we don’t really need them. It might  be a better number without them, Mr Chucky.”

“It might be. But your husband has enabled me to work with them, and your guidance is invariably helpful with successive cartwheels, Mr. Chucky.”

“Mrs. Ryder, why don’t you just call  me ‘John.’  My name, actually, is ‘John Cullum.’    

 

SISTER MIRIAM

 

When I first  thought about creating a dance--- it was the Ballad of The False Lady. 

False Lady pretends an awful lot that she is very sexy even when she is not.  It was a ballad that I heard someone sing when I was 13.  More than anything I wanted to be a great ballet dancer.  I wanted to be the greatest dancer in the world.  I didn’t have the feet for it. That dream  was the dream of a false Lady. 

I came to NY in the summer from Harrisburg PA. My sister Miriam opened the grand piano, open all the doors and windows in our house and when my parents gave me permission to try a summer course in NYC at the Novikoff school of dance which advertised in Dance  Magazine every month,  Miriam opened all the doors and windows, put a record of the Romeo & Juliet overture on the record player--volume up, piano lid open she pretended she was playing and people stopped on the street to see and hear her.

I went on pointe too early when I was young.  Miriam has a snapshot  of me in my first ballet class outfit. There was something extraordinarily beautiful about my hands, my arms. At the end of the summer Novikoff told me and my parents I was a born ballerina. But when I returned to school  I couldn’t walk without a lot of pain.  Finally we consulted the best Doctor in Harrisburg.  He said ”she will never be a dancer--she has wrong FEET FOR DANCING,  

 Of course I Walked to and from school everyday.  I was eleven. We were living  near Indiantown Gap. I remembered Valse Trieste, EXCRUCIATINGLY  sad music by Sibelious . While it was playing, some soldiers asked if I could dance for them. Thinking very sad thoughts, I circled the room where soldiers where  they were sitting. They applauded., One soldier wiped his eyes with his handkerchief. .

        Despite  wrong feet, I allow myself to think  about dancing that sad circle in pink satin toe shoes.

THE STAGE CREW SAYS HE MISSED A SHOW

 

 

Why would he miss doing the show?  Does he have  a cold?   Maybe on of his  legs hurts...those three successive  cartwheels could be wearing him out?  Maybe he had an agent or  a manager here to discuss another job in the winter? If  I had seen the opening number of the show that the stage crew said he missed  I could phone him and ask if he's feeling okay....Or call him.  And ask what he's thinking about doing this winter.  Since we're friends he might like to talk about his plans.  I wonder if he knows how to reach me in New York. I could write down the numbers and give them to one of the stage managers in case there's some sort of emergency....  that's what I should do,  yes--that's what I'll do....maybe I'll see what Mom says....    

ON STAGE IN SPOLETO

FRANKEE  WAS WEARING A FAVORITE BLUE OUTFIT THAT USUALLY BROUGHT HER COMPLIMENTS.  BUT THE BIGWIGS IN CHARGE OF THE FESTIVAL SEEMED TO BE AVOIDING HER.

 

They were seated here and there in the empty theater.

 Menotti reset his watch. Barber sorted  festival pamphlets, while the famous Benjamin Britten was studying a piece of sheet music, talking out loud to himself. 

 FRANKEE WAS  SWEATING. It was a hot afternoon  and everyone was standing too close to her. She kept wishing she'd borrowed her husbands double-breasted jackets --it would hide what she was wearing.    

Suddenly, out of the blue, somebody said "Cut the damn introduction--it's redundant." Menotti nodded. Britten vociferrously agreed. 

FRANKEE AT THE EDGE OF THE STAGE, A POWERFUL GIRL-WOMAN SAID "YOU INVITED ME  HERE.  I CREATED WHAT YOU ASKED ME TO CREATE ABOUT THE WRITER AS THE WAR BEGAN --YOU'LL HEAR AND SEE HIM.  I WILL NOT CUT ANYTHING. 

THE PRE- REORDED MUSIC FILLED THEATER AS FRANKEE, IN HER "ACTRESS TONE OF VOICE," INTRODUCED AN IMAGINARY  FAMILY.  

       "MY MOTHER--" (a spotlight fades up. as if encircling her).  "MY FATHER--" (spotlight comes on).  "MY UNCLE--" (another spot comes on).  "MY AUNT --(another spotlight) 

The music has sounds of street car horns honking as welll as cars. Frankee enacts in childlike dance movments  that includes  somersalts, childish  turns, and cartwheels. The vision of those circles on the floor becomes a real reality.   

The light that encircles each member of the writer's family  remains on, and the family is always there as writer  James Agee words as danced (mimed) by  Frankee as he recalls the summer of 1915.  

NATHAN OGELSBY

"Who the hell is this Nathan Ogelsby guy who keeps phoning you, Frankee?  Ogelsby told me called  you three time today because he loves your voice."

"He wants to invest in the team Mark."

 "Frankee, he told me that when he aked you to marry him, you said yes! "   

"Mark, he's a very nice guy with a ton of money."

"You said Yes?   Are you sleeping with him Frankee ?"

"My goodness, of course not.  He paid the rent once when we couldn't pay the rent."  

"FRANKIE, YOU are  MARRIED!" 

" Nate said his lawyers could dissolve the marriage. MARK. They'll open  "Haunted Moments" at the Longacre  Theater -- the Bijou theater is too small."

"'Haunted Moments' -- your choreography to sound effects ? You're referring to the new work that you said was going to make us 'big names' in the dance world?" 

"I didn't promise --I just said there might be a part  for his ex wife."

"Frankee, how long have you known his guy?"

"He gave me a ring after I danced  False Lady on Trudy Goth's showcase.  I gave it to MOM. She says its quite tiny, but it's a genuine diamond.  1/2 carat.  He gave me a much bigger diamond in a pink velvet box that I keep in my underwear drawer.  I'll wear it when I meet his family. 

retured from gatlinburg